Jesusification

[If a Danish newspaper could publish a cartoon on Muhammed, and
Filipino protesters could indulge so much in freedom of expression,
maybe I could up the ante myself. I’ve realized recently I haven’t been
enjoying my so-called freedom, so I’m posting this “evil” piece and see
how far it would take me to verbal hell. This was inspired by a Rowan
Atkinson sketch, by the way, so this piece is best when read aloud and
the reader is dressed as a priest.]

(*Also appears on The Skirmisher superblog.)

And when Jesus went out, He saw a great multitude, and He
was moved with compassion for them, so he went back inside the room, and later
he came out dressed in a carrot suit. He went around the multitude and
entertained them and pulled a rabbit out of a hat and made jokes about mothers-in-law.

 

And the sick were healed because they were happy. And one
of them asked, “Do you do Tupperware parties, too?”

 

And Jesus said, “Only on weekdays.”

 

When it was evening, the disciples came to Him, saying,
“This is a deserted place. There’s not even a local Pizza Hut franchise in
sight. Send the multitudes away, that they may go into the villages and buy
themselves food and do some R & R in some videoke bar so that they can also
sing ‘My Way.’”

 

But Jesus said to them, “They do not need to go away. You
give them something to eat.”

 

And they said to Him, “We only have here five loaves and
two fish.”

 

Jesus said, “Bring them to me.”

 

Then He commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass,
then He took the five loaves and noticed they were long past their expiration
date. He took the two fish and smelled them and said, “This smells like James’s
armpits.” So He commanded Judas to call on the cellphone the Salvation Army or
the ABS-CBN Foundation for five truckloads of relief goods. Then the trucks
came immediately, and the disciples were so awed at the quick response that
they asked Him, “Master, how did you do it?”

 

Jesus chuckled and said, “I have clout.”

 

And they all ate and were filled, and they took up twelve
baskets full of plastic wrappers and Styrofoam cups and table napkins. And
James said, “Let us not throw away these. I can make teddy bears out of these
Styrofoam cups.”

 

Immediately, Jesus made His disciples get into the boat
and go before Him to the other side, while He sent the multitudes away.

 

And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on a
mountain by Himself, checked if it was a WIFI hotspot, then checked his Friendster account on his laptop. And he
was disappointed because some teenager flooded the bulletin posts by posting
fifteen times some chain email about a woman called Mary that you have to send
to many people or else you’ll die tonight. Jesus asked wisdom from the Father
and the Father told him, “Unfriend
that kid.” So Jesus removed the kid from his list of friends.

 

Now, in the fourth watch of the night, Jesus came to the
disciples on the boat, walking on the sea.

 

And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they
were amazed, saying, “Cool. Can you also do somersaults?”

 

Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer. Of course,
I can somersault.”

 

And Jesus did a somersault.

 

The disciples were doubly amazed, and they said, “Can you also
spit through your front teeth?”

 

Jesus said, “Of course.”

 

The disciples asked, “Like, as far as five strides?”

 

Jesus became annoyed, and said, “Of course, I can spit as
far as five strides. And even farther.” And Jesus spat through his front teeth,
and hit somebody standing by the sea shore.

 

The disciples were amazed, and they all said, “Wow. That
kicked ass.”

 

But Peter said, “Master, I can also walk on water.”

 

The disciples said, “Oh, shut up, Peter.”

 

Peter said, “Seriously, I can.” And Peter came off the
boat to walk on water, but immediately, he sank like a rock. And Peter was
gone.

 

And Jesus said, “From now on, let us remember Peter as
‘Peter the Rock.’”

 

And the disciples said, “Truly, you are wise, Master.
‘Peter the Rock’ sounds like a wrestler’s name, and only you can think of it,
oh Son of God.”

 

And Jesus, upon hearing it, just shrugged like he didn’t
care. After all, as far as he knew it, the only other creature that could walk
on water was not even human; it was a lizard, a basilisk. But the disciples did
not know it. So Jesus said, “Let’s call it a day and let’s go to a videoke
bar. I hear they have this intriguing new contraption called ‘Magic Sing.””

 

The disciples asked, “Master, can you sing ‘My Way,’ too?”

 

Jesus was annoyed. He said, “All ye of little faith. Of
course, I can sing that song. In fact, I can do almost anything except chartered accountancy.”

 

And right there standing on the sea, Jesus began singing
Frank Sinatra’s song.

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