Goodbye, and Thanks for all the Crap

This post also appears on The Skirmisher. To see how certain "images" or photos go with the things described, just visit that blog.

(Photo: Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo [left] before the hasty makeover,
and [right] announcing the Unproclamation in a near-perfect emperor penguin disguise.
Ignacio Bunye says the same make-up artist who worked on Shrek did this fabulous makeover; that same makeup artist is
probably now “sleeping with the fishes” with Luca Brasi.)

 

No, I’m not specifically pro-GMA. I’m not also siding with
the protesters, who I think represent the worse options, (the full explanation
of where I stand deserves space in a separate post), but yesterday, just as the
state of emergency was lifted, I received a faxed document, which my “mole”
says was supposedly the draft of “Unproclamation 1017.” The Unproclamation was
supposed to be read by GMA herself, but the administration received last-minute
wisdom never to use the draft. Instead, the usual geniuses made the President
sit before the camera and assigned a ventriloquist to make her “mouth out” the “official”
words. Or something to that effect.

 

So I’m posting the said “Unproclamation” so that people
like Teddy Casino would know that he and his friends holing up at the House of
Representatives were probably “cute,” (in a Ninoy-Aquino-doing-the-Boston-thing
sort of way), but GMA easily tops them for hilarity.

 

Anyway, here it is.

“Unproclamation
1017”

Whereas, I’m
lifting the State of Emergency I announced
last week. But not without me saying something to all those who overreacted. So
to all of you, I’m expressing my dismay through the following hallowed Monty Python quotes:

“I don’t
wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in
your general direction, you pigdogs!”

“I wave my
private parts at your aunties!”

Whereas, no
matter how much my cabinet wants me to say the word “fuck” in this
Unproclamation, I won’t say that. No, in fact, I won’t ever say, “Fuck you all”
as long as I’m in power. I won’t say silly things like, “I’ll blow my nose in
this my handkerchief and eat it,” or “I’ll tie you to the bed posts and give
you all a good spanking.”

Now, if I’d
say those things, I’d no longer be any fun, wouldn’t I? So let me declare in this
Unproclamation that I’ll continue to be nice.

Whereas, despite
the fact that my vilest enemies intensified their attacks on my husband in the
past week, I’m still nice enough to issue this Unproclamation. Many people have
hurt Mike’s feelings, who everybody accuses of having gynecomastia. Mike’s so
sad he couldn’t eat the tubs of Häagen-Dazs
we bought wholesale. So it’s not fair. For your information, if he had
gynecomastia, it would have been so obvious. But no, he does not have that
ghastly deformity. What my husband has is simply baby fat and what you see are
real male breasts. Franklin Drilon has larger breasts, and why hasn’t he been receiving
any goddamn attention?

(Photo: Exhibit A: Male
patient with gynecomastia, with breasts so large he looks like a woman. Never
mind the patient’s uncanny resemblance to a local bombshell.)

Whereas, the
attacks have become so nasty it has affected my sex life that not even Dr.
Holmes could find a cure to. I have been burning the phone lines with the good
doctor, and all she could tell me is, “Well, madam, maybe you really should try
a three-way with Mr. Garci. Variety, Madam, is the spice of life.” I would have
heeded the suggestion but after everything that happened with that stupid tape,
which I swear on FPJ’s overpriced grave really meant nothing to me, I wouldn’t even
want to touch Garci with a ten-foot pole.

Whereas, the
attacks have recently been keeping my dear loyal friend Ignacio Bunye sleepless
at night that for the past week, he’d been sleeping with me. Now, let me say this before
any smart aleck gets any naughty ideas about one “Oh, Iggy, give it to me hard” tape: there is no such thing. And
besides, Mr. Bunye slept on the shag carpet.

Whereas we
have captured the real perpetrator of these coup rumors [see photo] and we have
already punished him. While some people say the suspect looks like a dead duck,
I don’t believe them.

(Photo: The
primary suspect of a military-backed coup, resting on fine china after getting
the fullest extent of the law.)

Whereas, the
Republic is deemed safe again, hence, this Unproclamation.

Now,
therefore, I, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, declare that dudes and duddetes uglier
than myself may resume their partying without fear of reprisal. They may party
at the Edsa Shrine. They may wipe their greasy bottoms there. Or stage a
marathon game called, “Stop Amay Bisaya from Licking his Balls,” for all I
care. Just please stop, stop, STOP saying I look like Nora Aunor. Jesus.

In Witness
Hereof, I have hereunto set my left pinkie finger and caused the seal of the
Republic of the Philippines to be
affixed.

Done in the
City of Manila, this 3rd
day of March, in the year of Our Lord, two thousand and six.

Signed:

Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

President

 

Republic of the Philippines

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