Talking business with an online scammer

I don’t usually pay attention to emails appearing in my inbox trying to
convince me to turn over personal financial information, enlarge my
penis and boobs, or sell me a house in Antarctica. But this week, I
have been receiving a 419-type scam email that caught my attention and
curiosity because, unlike earlier versions that were mostly set in
South Africa, this one was Asian.

Now, for those who don’t yet know what online scammers are, they are
bad people, kids. So don’t take whatever lollipop they’re trying to
give you.

For context, below is the said scam email:

    Dear Sir/madam,
    I am the GBM (Chairman) of Chen Hsong Holdings Limited
(http://www.chenhsong.com.hk/index.aspx). This Company was 
Established since 1958. After half a century of endless efforts, Chen
Hsong has grown from a small machinery workshop to one of the largest
manufacturers of injection moulding machines in the world.Chen Hsong
Holdings Limited, Produces, Exclusive circular platen (patended), ichen
shop- floor Networked management system, Ductile iron casting and
machining, Jetmaster minijet series, Jetmaster MKIV series, Jetmaster
large series, CHEN-PET Two-stage preform moulding turnkey system,
jetmaster C Series, E.T.C. Due to long association with our suppliers
and our thorough understanding of the working condition in the Industry;
    It iS upon this note that we are writing you this mail to seek your
assistance in representing our company in your locality as our
RECEIVING AGENT/REPRESENTATIVE.One who will act as a medium for our
clients in those locality to be reaching us with their payments and so
on. Note that as a receiving Agent of our company,You will be entitled
to TEN Percent Payment of any amount you receive from our customers We
seek your Sincere cooperation and assistance to establish a cordial
relationship with our clients.To facilitate the conclusion of this
proposal if accepted,Please send us the  following Information
    1)Your Full name…………..and present occupation…………
    2) Telephone number…………..and Fax…………..
    3) Contact address…………….
    4) Age…………….
    Thanks in anticipation.
    Regards,
    Dr. Chiang Chen
    GBM (Chairman)
    Chen Hsong Holdings Limited
    (http://www.chenhsong.com.hk/index.aspx)

So around three days ago, when I had received for the third time the
same email, I thought maybe I should have fun and "respond" to it. So I
fired off this response:

Dear Esteemed Sir:

I’d be glad to be of service to you, but only after you send me first
your full name, address, telephone numbers, and a high-definition,
DRM-free video of yourself happily sucking your dog’s cock, preferably
in 16:9 aspect ratio.

Very truly yours,

Your future business associate

Then I forgot about it. I thought the scammer got the message. But late that night, I found this response in my inbox.

Hi

what is 169 aspect ratio? please send contact numbers and name please.

This got my juices flowing. There’s a person on the other end of the
line, and he’s probably not as smart as I thought he was. So I replied:

Dear Esteemed Sir:

It’s 16:9 aspect ratio, which simply means if you can help it, send me
the kind of video i can watch on a widescreen TV. I’m sure in the
headquarters of your fast-rising company, of which you are Chairman,
there are lots of teevees lying around. If it looks squarish, that’s
4:3. I don’t want that. I want widescreen. To make sure the TV is wide
screen, you may perform this standard operating procedure: stand in
front of it, place both your arms on both sides of the TV, and if you
can smell your armpit or you can see armpit hair peeking, that is
widescreen. If not, proceed to another TV because I am sure it’s just
4:3.

But going back to the business matter at hand, I hope you know where to
locate your dog’s important penis, and that you are well-versed in this normal human behavior. If you have not yet learned how to do it properly, please
refer to that wonderful online website called YouTube, where you will
find, as many of my own business associates have, tutorial videos of
girls practicing the act by sucking on their thumbs.

Thank you and I hope this helps.

Very truly yours,

your future business associate

The scammer’s reply:

Hi

sorry, please and stop calling me sir. i am women. please also send
your contact where we can contact you and phone numbers please.

I replied:

Dear Esteemed Madam:

I deeply apologize for having assumed that you’re a man. I shamefully
forget that women now make up a significant part of the modern work
force, and for that, please accept my apologies.

I would be happy, as always, to indulge you on your business request,
but may I reiterate that I require you to send me first my own request.
Let me put this simply: you give me something, I give you something.
"Squid pro row," as my long-time business partner Austin Powers loves
saying.

You being a woman only makes it exciting, but perhaps you may spice up
the video by straddling a white picket fence and licking on a large,
round lollipop in the sun. Smile to me please.

I hope I have made it very clear.

Thank you.

Sincerely yours,

Your future business associate

The scammer replies again in less than an hour:

Hi,

I ask to Serious please and please send us contact address and phone.  we send money for the TEN percent of agent deal. tHanks.

I replied:

Dear Madam:

I
assure you I am seriously considering doing business with you. And to
prove my sincere business intentions, let me direct you to my business’
official website and see if it pleases you:

Link to my office address.
[note:
if you're reading this blogpost, you may not want to click on that
link. I'm posting it here only to illustrate how fun it was "doing
business" with this scum. it's a link to the infamous goatse]

Thank you and i hope to do business with you in the soonest time possible.

That
last email was about two days ago, and I have yet to receive a
response. But it’s okay. Although I wasn’t able to convince the scammer
to make his own video version of Monty Python’s the lumberjack song
sketch, it’s still nice to know that there’s a real, live, scammer
person at the other end of this civilized exchange. I only hope I could find him one day and personally hand him the business end of my titanium baseball bat.

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