If you’re an adult, you have the IQ of a squeezable ketchup bottle and deserve to have a car battery shocking your testicles

I got an offer to write for Maxim magazine. One of the blogs I write got their attention, and based on that blog’s “popularity,” and of course due to my awesome ninja writing skillz that almost always make me include the word “vagina” in the text I produce, Maxim’s top honchos probably thought, “Hey, we’re selling twat, this guy talks about twat all the time. Get him!”

I’m still thinking about it. Should I accept it? It’s flattering that some top editorial person from that men’s magazine would email you out of nowhere and not only wanna hire you, but also features your blog in the magazine’s March 2009 issue (it’s out now, folks! Guess which of the websites featured in The Internet Underverse page is mine). It’s a major relief from the usual “make your penis bigger!” emails I get. But while the offer is very tempting, I have lots of (unmentionable) stuff on my hands right now, and saying yes to the offer and not being able to deliver would be pretty sad.

So I said let me think about it, let me kill some chicken, offer it to the right anito, and get some answers. I’m not playing a hard-to-get, look-who’s-talking douchebag, I’m just being frank about what I think I cannot do in the coming months.

But uncertain of the wisdom of my own decision, I sought the advice of three people I respect. I’m hiding their identities so they can still live normal lives after this blog post, merely referring to them as Gurus numbers 1, 2 and 3.

I went to Guru No. 1 and told him my dilemma. He said, “You’re a dick!”

I went to Guru No. 2, and he said, “Mocha has been making out with women and you’re here not taking videos of it?”

I went to Guru No. 3 and he said, “Just die.”

I’m totally confused – clearly, those three answers merely indicated how much these gurus admire me, and not giving me a direct answer. So like any normal person, I did something Nina Jose would have done on a Thursday afternoon –

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